Time Wounds All Heals

I was going through our calendar and I found “Baby” as an event on June 3rd.  It took me some time to process it. It wasn’t an entry I’d made, and I was the midst of trying to organize our life, I was in work mode. I wasn’t expecting it. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, June 3rd, the day we lost you. The irony of life; I’d planned a baby shower for a co-worker that day and as we cleaned up I felt something happening. I was bleeding, heavily, and so my workday ended in the emergency room. We waited to hear confirmation of what my heart already knew to be true, holding on to hope through tears. But you were already gone.

Messaging with my nutritionist on Facebook, and there you were under shared photos. Our first and only ultrasound, May 13th. Daddy and I’s 5th wedding anniversary, what a gift that’d been! We had breakfast at one of our favorite places. There’s a chalkboard in the restroom in which I wrote “It’s our 5yr anniversary and our 1st OB appointment!” I didn’t sign it, and I don’t know if anyone saw it, but, I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE, SAY IT SOMEWHERE. We were so excited and happy you were here! We’d waited for you for so long. We spent the weekend at Disneyland. I was sick and exhausted, so we did little more than eat, lounge by the pool and nap. It couldn’t have been more perfect. And now, there you were, the one and only photo we will ever have of you, in-utero, never to meet you in this life. Although, momma has pictured exactly what you look like, and I know it to be true. You’re perfect.

Cleaning out the ridiculous amount of photos kept on my phone, I came across a photo of my brother and I bumping bellies from when we started to track your progress. I didn’t expect it, I was trying to clean my phone out. And there you were, as you always are, unexpectedly. There wasn’t much of a preggo belly there I don’t think, just my usual fat girl pudge, but it’s one of my favorite’s because it shows that my brother, my family was excited for you too. I don’t remember what week or what size fruit you were there, just the excitement at tracking our progress. Trying to get it just right, each week’s progress pic as close to the last as possible. In the end, you will always be Our Blueberry Baby. Not much bigger than a blueberry yet taking up all the space in my heart.  

Texting with my friend, I ask about her baby, he’s 8 months now she says, and I remember that he was born just weeks after losing you. “It’s been 8 months and I’m still a hot mess on most days,” I say. “Time wounds all heals,” she replies, and it couldn’t be more true. Some days, it feels like just yesterday when we had you, loved you, only to lose you. The pain is still so real and raw that, it either seems like just yesterday, or a lifetime ago. Maybe it’s been both. We’ve lived a lifetime in months, weeks, days, hours. The hours that we waited in the emergency room to hear about you.

We’ve definitely been changed by this, we’ve been changed by the loss of you. I constantly question how much time is enough time, am I grieving too much, too hard? Is this normal? Am I normal? Grief, is ever changing and all consuming. I don’t know if it ever ends, perhaps it just lessens.

All I know is that I’ll be going through my day and all of a sudden my legs are swept out from under me by the memory of you.

13 thoughts on “Time Wounds All Heals

  1. For me it happen the first time 3 days before Christmas in 2007 I was so heart broken. The pain never goes away. I sometimes think it never goes away. The second time was in August 2008. I always think my kids would be so big now. Just give yourself time to be alone and grief as long as you need to. Everyone is different. In my case I just pray for the day I get to see there beautiful face. Sorry for this difficult time I don’t wish it upon anyone. Take care prima 😞

  2. You are not grieving too hard, this is normal, and you are normal. Grief for me, and most people suffering child loss, will come in waves, and it slowly dissipates, only to come back again later in the days, weeks, or months preceding. One little thought, an emotion, someone’s words, a picture, our own visual, or a memory will bring it back. It does lessen, but only to be found again in a different direction or intention. A holiday, or location, a feeling of guilty joy, a fragmental speck appears of a time when hope and joy were all that you knew, because the suffering of “real” life, and of our past, was nothing compared to that peace we felt of what we created. We could fix this with this one little blueberry… It washed it all away. Sadly, if that pain of loss was any different, if you felt less, then you would not be the you that your are. That we love. I miss my Katherine so much. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. Your writing is thought provoking, and necessary, for others, and for you. Keep it up. Please…

  3. I continue to appreciate your willingness to share. I agree with the other commenters that I don’t think there needs to be a limit on how long, or how hard, you grieve. I haven’t lost a baby, but I’ve lost others close to me and I can tell you I don’t think the grieving process ever fully stops. And I think that’s normal. When you have someone precious to you in your life and they are taken away from you, isn’t it natural to continue to miss them?

  4. You are not grieving hard, we are all humans and we are allowed to have grieves and emotions, and lost a child is really really painful. I hope you will have the other lovely child soon but I know you will miss him for a very long time. Keep your good memory alive that you have loved him and had a great wedding anniversary, and that will help you go through the very tough times.

  5. So sorry that you had to go through this. You will always grieve for the child you never got to meet and that’s completely normal. Don’t feel bad for mourning a life that you created. That baby will always be a part of you no matter what.

  6. Grief is like that, always popping up unexpectedly and reorganizing your life as it sees fit. I hope as time passes that those moments are farther between.

  7. I commend your courage for sharing this. It definitely touched me, as I sit here with tears building in my eyes. I can’t imagine having to go through a loss like this. It’s one that takes lots grieving and you may never get over it, so I say take all the time you need. Have a good cry and know that when little things like the calendar marking and the photo present themselves, it’s your little Blueberry saying hello.

  8. We should rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character hope….. Romans 5:3-5
    I like to keep this verse in mind for tough times…

  9. I’m so sorry. I wish your blueberry baby could have stayed with you.
    I think you are doing really well, even if it doesn’t feel like that at times. Grief is a tricky life companion. Thinking of you and your family. 💗

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