I was going through our calendar and I found “Baby” as an event on June 3rd. It took me some time to process it. It wasn’t an entry I’d made, and I was the midst of trying to organize our life, I was in work mode. I wasn’t expecting it. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, June 3rd, the day we lost you. The irony of life; I’d planned a baby shower for a co-worker that day and as we cleaned up I felt something happening. I was bleeding, heavily, and so my workday ended in the emergency room. We waited to hear confirmation of what my heart already knew to be true, holding on to hope through tears. But you were already gone.
Messaging with my nutritionist on Facebook, and there you were under shared photos. Our first and only ultrasound, May 13th. Daddy and I’s 5th wedding anniversary, what a gift that’d been! We had breakfast at one of our favorite places. There’s a chalkboard in the restroom in which I wrote “It’s our 5yr anniversary and our 1st OB appointment!” I didn’t sign it, and I don’t know if anyone saw it, but, I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE, SAY IT SOMEWHERE. We were so excited and happy you were here! We’d waited for you for so long. We spent the weekend at Disneyland. I was sick and exhausted, so we did little more than eat, lounge by the pool and nap. It couldn’t have been more perfect. And now, there you were, the one and only photo we will ever have of you, in-utero, never to meet you in this life. Although, momma has pictured exactly what you look like, and I know it to be true. You’re perfect.
Cleaning out the ridiculous amount of photos kept on my phone, I came across a photo of my brother and I bumping bellies from when we started to track your progress. I didn’t expect it, I was trying to clean my phone out. And there you were, as you always are, unexpectedly. There wasn’t much of a preggo belly there I don’t think, just my usual fat girl pudge, but it’s one of my favorite’s because it shows that my brother, my family was excited for you too. I don’t remember what week or what size fruit you were there, just the excitement at tracking our progress. Trying to get it just right, each week’s progress pic as close to the last as possible. In the end, you will always be Our Blueberry Baby. Not much bigger than a blueberry yet taking up all the space in my heart.
Texting with my friend, I ask about her baby, he’s 8 months now she says, and I remember that he was born just weeks after losing you. “It’s been 8 months and I’m still a hot mess on most days,” I say. “Time wounds all heals,” she replies, and it couldn’t be more true. Some days, it feels like just yesterday when we had you, loved you, only to lose you. The pain is still so real and raw that, it either seems like just yesterday, or a lifetime ago. Maybe it’s been both. We’ve lived a lifetime in months, weeks, days, hours. The hours that we waited in the emergency room to hear about you.
We’ve definitely been changed by this, we’ve been changed by the loss of you. I constantly question how much time is enough time, am I grieving too much, too hard? Is this normal? Am I normal? Grief, is ever changing and all consuming. I don’t know if it ever ends, perhaps it just lessens.
All I know is that I’ll be going through my day and all of a sudden my legs are swept out from under me by the memory of you.