How am I already bad at this blogging business?!
It’s been over a month since I’ve written a post. As I shared on my Instagram (found here) recently it’s not for lack of things to write about, it may be just the opposite actually, so many things have gone on in the world in the past month, and of course all the things happening in my head and heart still. Include being recently triggered back to my sexual assault in a way I never had before and add on the learning curve of blogging, and it’s just been a lot for my nervous little heart to bear.
I make lists on paper, lists in my head and think of all the things this space needs and how I can make it better and all I have to read and learn and I’m like AGH! It’s too much! I need to remember that this is about the writing, and the feelings and connections. I need to remember that was the original purpose of this space. Whether, I am writing about the miscarriage, or another lived personal experience, that’s the original intention of this space. So here I am, and I’m back! And while this space may look like it’s being ran by angsty preteen for now (heck! aren’t we all a little bit of angsty preteens?), I’m going to make efforts to write more regularly, whether out in the open for the world to see, or for myself, privately. Because I need it, and I still think that speaking out about this experience is important and much needed. Because 7 months after my miscarriage, when I think I’m doing well, I still have those really hard days. I still have the days where seemingly out of nowhere the smallest thing can set me all the way back and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.
One such day hit me like a ton of bricks recently. My sweet husband sent me a text, a picture of a tattoo he’d like to get, my birthday gift to him, with lyrics from our wedding song. It was very sweet and touching and I read the lyrics and listened to the song to make sure it all made sense and went together because if I’m paying for something it better be done right. (Ha!) And, the tears just started, and then they wouldn’t stop. I thought I’d be okay and I could pull it together enough at my desk at work, but I had to step away and have a full on snotty nose ugly cry. I was so taken aback by my own reaction, thinking how well I had been doing and how pulled together I had been, how little things had not been affecting me, meanwhile I guess a part of me had been suppressing it all because there I was in a full on ugly cry in the middle of a work day. Thank God for lunch breaks and work friends who don’t need an explanation for the ugly cry.
So anyway, maybe I don’t have it all together just yet. Honestly, I probably never will, but one day, it’ll be a lot better than it is today, at least that’s what “they” tell me.
I’ve considered what it’d be like
If the ocean poured in from both of the coasts
And we set sail to find out
Just where our boat would go
But I don’t think that I’d want to know
’cause it would just make time
So I can see your smile
With our brand new life in tow
Ay oh, ay oh, I hope you weren’t waiting long
I hope this night makes up for time lost
Ay oh, ay oh, feels like I met you years ago
And we’re picking up right where we left off