#ihadamiscarriage

miscarriage

The day I started bleeding heavily, the day we found out our baby’s heart had stopped, I did 2 things. First, I texted the small group of people who knew I was pregnant and told them what had happened and was happening. I think I wanted to get this “out of the way” so that I could move on with whatever process was to come – grief and all it’s friends.  Second, I googled. I didn’t know what was really happening, I was told very little in the emergency room, just hours of waiting followed by a “Well, everything looks good, but there is no heartbeat. Follow up with your doctor.” There was so little information, no empathy, no connection, even the way the news was delivered was lacking. I had no idea what was really happening.  So I came home and googled. Yes, I cried, a lot, I still do, but I needed more information. I needed to know what to expect, if only physically.

Google taught me that I was experiencing what is known as a missed miscarriage. I’m by no means an expert, but basically our baby’s heartbeat had stopped about a week prior and my body still hadn’t figured it out, so it carried out as it normally would, pumping hormones through and with it came all the usual pregnancy side effects. Such a cruel little joke nature plays on you when you have to deal with all the hormonal stuff knowing that it’s only a matter of time before your body figures it out and catches up with what you already know – there will be no baby.

Google also taught me that, I wasn’t alone. While it may feel like you are alone because no one talks about miscarriage, you are not. This is both a blessing, and also terribly sad. 15 – 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, that’s 1 in 4. 1 in 4 women have had miscarriages, but very few speak of it publicly. Until now, I didn’t really hear of women sharing their own experiences. I’m sure this is for a variety of reasons, including that it may be very painful to do. I get that.

Google led me to social media. I scoured through instagram hashtags, #miscarriage #pregnancyloss #1in4 #iamtheface and finally #ihadamiscarriage. With over 3,000 public posts on instagram the #IHadAMiscarriage Campaign has been something that has really helped me in the last 4 months since my own loss. I have read every post, I have cried at some and smiled at others, I’ve shared them with my husband, and friends.

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Mainly, what I’ve learned from this campaign is that again, I’m not alone. I’ve learned that there is hope, however grim it may seem right now. I have hope for healing, for being genuinely happy again, and hope that in my sharing, I can reach others, the way this campaign and the women who’ve shared their stories have done for me.

Dr. Jessica Zucker who created the campaign also has a shop with awesome Rainbow Babe (I mean, can I get one in an adult size?) and Rainbow Mama t-shirts as well as awesome Pregnancy Loss cards. With this one that really speaks to my soul with its accuracy. Because really, fuck this.

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19 thoughts on “#ihadamiscarriage

  1. Thank you so much for speaking out. I feel your pain and suffering. That card is f’ing perfect. I think that people avoid pain, and saying those things to a momma after a miscarriage allows them to avoid our pain. But we feel it, so we can support each other, and know EXACTLY how others are feeling. I hope writing about it helps you. I don’t really write about it or talk about it but my S.O. seems to have forgotten about it long ago. It’s lonely, I know. Take care of you!

    1. Thank you for sharing. We are definitely here to support and help one another. I’ve found that for me in most things, having community help. You’re not alone. I intend to continue writing as it has helped for me and I hope that you continue reading. <3

      1. I just got a notification that you replied to my comment. I actually just had my second miscarriage in 5 months. We’re 0 for 2. It was suspected to have been ectopic so we were waiting for days HOPING it would resolve itself like a normal miscarriage. I never in my life thought I would be HOPING for a miscarriage. But when losing my only fallopian tube or bleeding to death are the alternatives, we were so grateful when my body finally took care of itself. I’m not as sad and wounded as I was the first time when I was carrying a baby for 3 weeks after it’s heart stopped, and we could see the little bean on ultrasound. But it is still a loss and I’m completely exhausted from the wait, the fear, the unknown, and then ultimately the second miscarriage. I want to hug you all. I actually took a chance and told a patient’s mom what happened and she gave me the hugest hug ever. And I told another mom and she talked with me for 20 minutes about her journey with infertility and I will say to you all….please talk about it! It will help you heal, it will educate others and people can support you through your time of suffering, even when they don’t know what to say. Hugs and hugs for you all.

  2. First, I am very sorry for your loss . Secondly how admirable of you to share your story! You are a strong woman. My cousin recently lost a baby the same way, she is also a super woman in my eyes. I look forward to hearing more about your journey

  3. I had no idea such a large percentage of women experience a miscarriage. It definitely makes me wonder why more people don’t talk about it, but it’s definitely a huge loss and probably very hard to discuss. One I hope I never have to experience. I commend you for speaking out and sharing. Just wish you didn’t have to turn to Google to find out more info. That doesn’t seem very encouraging from a healthcare provider standpoint. I’d be full of questions and would expect answers from doctors right then and there.

    1. Google was my best resource at the time. It was late and my healthcare providers were not helpful in the least. Plus you’re in such an vulnerable, emotional state that trying to ask questions and advocate for yourself can be the last thing on your mind and the most difficult to do. At least for me, it was that way. So I am grateful that I was at least able to turn to Google for answers. My hope is that by sharing my story others are helped as well an maybe compelled to open up about it.

  4. I can’t even imagine how hard it is to talk about your experiences, but it seems like from other comments you are helping both yourself and others with your posts. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your journey!

  5. So sorry for your loss, but very brave of you to speak up about it. As you say, so many women go through this privately that it’s nice to have a public voice speaking about it. I hope your story helps others.

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have seen how much heartache it can cause and it hearts my heart how cold people can be when they talk about miscarriage. My mother had a miscarriage when I was younger and I often think about what it would have been like to have another brother or sister.

  7. I am sorry for your loss, but I am glad you have find others and resources to help you overcome your pain and grief. You are also right to write this, as a solace to you and resources to others. Wish you will have a great family and a great baby soon.

  8. I cant pretend to imagine your pain and loss so I wont. I have a toddler and when I was pregnant with him I had a scare when I did not feel him move for two days. I was supported at the doctors. The lack of empathy you received is outrageous! I pray for you to continue to be strong.

  9. Thank you for opening up about this. I feel like this is a topic that gets overlooked or that a lot of people are ashamed to talk about but it’s something that happens quite a lot (and is the fear of quite a few women that I know).

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